I decided to go out on a limb and post my revised New Voices chapter over at Writing.com. If you’re so inclined to read either version, or to see how I revised, take a look:
I took into account some of the comments I received from the competition:
- Make Callie more relatable. I tried to tone Callie down a little without actually changing her. Not sure if others will find her any more likable, but I definitely tried.
- Some people found the “fight” in the beginning jarring. I *kind of* understood what some people were saying, but I also thought some responses were a little over the top. So, I revised it to make it less of a fight and more of an altercation.
- I made Trevor’s response more of concern than of focusing on the bet.
- I took out the overwhelming procedure (and in fact the whole incident) of the car accident.
Things I still need to work on: description!
Anyway, if you’re so inclined, take a look, leave a comment at either site or right here or you can even email me NicoleTHelm@gmail.com. I don’t know how long I’ll leave the revised chapter up, as I will definitely delete it before I submit to a publisher. Still, it would be nice to get some feedback on if the revisions helped any of the issues.
Nicole Helm 
Hey Nicole! I just have to say that I really enjoyed reading both versions. You can definitely write, girl! I personally love Callie (in both versions). Call me strange, but the fight scene in the first didn’t bother me too much, although you did a great job with the second as well. She made me think of that actress in Lost, who was also the tough pilot in Avatar. I love a tough heroine who needs her guard cracked.
I do think it’s stronger without the accident scene. It was well written, but seemed to slow the pace.
Let me preface this with saying that I’m unpublished (although I’ve submitted to Harl. Supers), so anything I say is a mere, humble suggestion. Toss it if you like. I truly love your characters and story, but I did feel a need to understand the hero’s inner conflict more. Just something to make it not seem like he’s simply chasing her (and I totally understand that you may get into that further in the story, but perhaps hint at it sooner). Something that could come between them on his part, not just hers.
I don’t usually comment on excerpts, so I hope that I haven’t offended you. I only hope to help because your story and characters drew me in. I can’t wait to see you in print!
Rula,
Thank you! By posting both versions, I was definitely hoping someone would leave some feedback, regardless of their background! And I am glad to hear I am not the only one who loves tough heroines.
Yes, Trevor does have some conflict, but it doesn’t come about for a while, but you’ve given me something to think about if it can be brought to that first chapter effectively.
So thank you for your comments!